I Had a Dream...

I am standing on a Norwich Street called the Gentlemans Walk, right in the middle. People are streaming past me to the left and right.

I am speaking to my friend. We are talking about a woman.

My friend says, "When I saw her she was really sad and said that she had no one to go to the Opera with"

I say sadly "I know…"

Then I twig that he must have seen her. "Hang on" I say "When did you see her ?"

My friend says "On Christmas Day. We had steak together".

I look at him quizzically, dreading his next line

"It's not what you think", he says.

My friend disappears and I am alone standing in the middle of the street with people streaming past me again.

From my left I see her; she looks at me dismissively and walks right past. She is wearing a long padded coat, trainers and has a rucksack on. Her hair is down her back moving in the breeze.

I try to shout to her but I can't; something is stopping me and I can't get the words out. I am rooted to the spot and I cannot move.

I watch helpless as she moves further and further away down the street.

In the distance, I see my friend again, who then turns into an avatar of me, also standing in the middle of the street in the distance but directly opposite me. He is quite far away, so I am unsure who it is. It could be me, my friend or someone else.

She goes to him and they hug and kiss and smile at each other and talk to each other in the way that lovers do, eye to eye, the two of them the centre of each other and the Universe.

She buries her head in his chest. She looks safe

They turn their heads round and look at me but say nothing. Their faces are expressionless. No flicker of emotion or recognition just a blank stare fixed on me.

They walk off into the distance

I remain alone in the street.

Ain't It Sad

Few are the bands who get to inspire an iconic tabloid headline in their lifetime. The morning after their Today programme appearance in 1976, the Sex Pistols managed to do it when the Daily Mirror shrieked “The filth and the fury!” Three decades on, with the release of 'It is too difficult to be worth the effort', Neozoic also managed it. Trumpeting “Ban this apathetic inspiration”, The Mail on Sunday went all out to stop neozoic in their tracks. Instead, this tabloid vilification had the unexpected effect of allowing the rave outfit to make their mark on the social fabric of this country.

Neozoic have gone all out to be decisively apathetic with their latest offering. At first sight the band certainly seem to be apathetic about their album sales, there are just 5 tracks, one of which is 4 minutes and 35 seconds of silence.

However once you have listened to 'Beats on Toast' the second track on the album you will be convinced to remain very much on your sofa. The stark sparadic beats are only offset by by the samples from the 80s tv show Button Moon.

'C Sharp B Blunt' is the track the papers want you to hate. Encouraging their fans to simply not care about anything, except that is, to be 100% positive that you do not care.

On reading the album insert the mystery of the 4 minutes and 35 seconds of silence 'Accoutic Angles' becomes clear. The silence was recorded at 5:30 am in a warehouse which justs twenty minutes earlier had been echoing at 100db with Neozoics less mainstream tunes. The silence was the result of a police raid, Neozoics response then is to do what they do best - nothing, 4:35 seconds of nothing to be precise. This apathetic protest should be an inspiration to us all.

Neozoic, It is too difficulkt to be worth the effort - availble for download 09/03, out in the shops 17/03.

Albert Bedane

Albert Bedane was found in a Berlin psychiatric institution playing a "guitar" he had made from rubber bands and a shatterproof ruler. Released shortly before the Berlin Wall came down, Bedane was found busking in the Tiergarten by an elderly Nazi sympathiser who funded this debut album with ounces of stolen Jewish gold. On his debut album, Bedane showcases his songwriting genius to full effect with cuts such as "Medic, I Need Vaseline" and "They Don't Pad The Walls Of My Heart", though the cover version of "I've Got U Babe", a moving duet with Myra Hindley (who literally phoned in her performance), is reputed to be the album's high point.

Another Helping

Check out this cool new band..."This debut album from Swedish grindmeisters Jagerhorn looks set to mount a serious assault on the pinnacles of heavy rock. Post-Opeth heaviness and tricky time signatures are combined with the icy soundscapes of Sigur Ros resulting in a breathtaking whirl of noise and movement. The final, 17 minute-long track goes the whole hog, incorporating a choir, orchestra and a recording of an actual avalanche the band triggered whilst performing at the bottom of one of Sweden's highest snow laden mountains.
Sheer montrous heaviness. Look out below !"

Scrambled Eggs

Scrambled Eggs is the name of my imaginary Breakfast show, actually the 10 songs (on average) that come up on random play during my journey to work each morning. I am quite proud of the eclectic randomness.

Have been amusing myself with the latest craze sweeping Facebook, namely the design-your-first album-cover game. Basically you need to:-

• Go to Wikipedia and hit Random Article and take the names of the article. That is your band name
• Go to Quote of the Day and get it to generate a page of random quotes. Take the last 3-5 words of the very last quote. That is your Album name
  
• Go to Flickr and call up the Last 7 Days and pick the 3rd picture
• Arrange your album in PhotoShop or similar

Here's my first effort.

The Superman/Batman Adventures are a spiky Indie band with a devoted cult following on the Isle of Sheppey. No Loss of Enthusiasm is their debut album. Unlike most Garage Bands, TSBA kept it real by recording in an actual garage, thus accounting for the background ambience of spanners, ratchets, swearing and air guns. This only adds to the prevailing atmos and general grease-under-the-fingernails vibe of the whole affair.

I have another one waiting in the wings, which I'm actually very proud of.

In other news, I have been alternately angry, exasperated, numb and finally profoundly disinterested in the the whole Sir Fred Goodwin affair. I've decided that the rank hypocrisy of our elected representatives, not to mention the snout-in-the trough greediness of the aforementioned gentleman is beneath my boredom threshold.

It's a little known fact that Sir Fred's initials are actually FAG and that he used to get really upset if he saw his initials as such on internal memoranda etc.

TTFN

Bx