... been a long, lonely lonely lonely lonely time.
I've been having some life issues. For the sake of argument, and to protect the innocent (and guilty) let's call them A, B, C and D. In and of themselves, none of them are insurmountable. All together and all at once, they have proven nigh on impossible to deal with. As a consequence, I find myself in a once-in-a-lifetime pickle which is proving difficult to come to terms with and to unravel.
As is this the way of these things, A, B, C and D are intertwined and interconnected so that it is impossible to address one without also addressing the others, all at once and all at the same time.
Here are some words and phrases that sum up where I am at:-
Lonely, Scared, Bored, Not in Control, F.I.N.E., Angry, Sad, Can't Let Go, Not Moving On, Redundant, Jealous, Guilty, Sorry, Indignant, Trying, Yearning, Hoping, Grieving, Feeling, Raw, Sensitive, Hurt, Let Down and... Lost
About 4 weeks ago, after a day in London, I woke up and just knew that I could not face the world. Not a nervous breakdown as such, but just a culmination of the aforementioned that had conspired to render me virtually mentally non-functional. Now, as a red blooded male of the stiff-upper lip variety, admitting to this, to myself and moreover, in print (or "blog") is quite a big deal. Not very manly is it ? More, metro sexual, Guardianista leftie really. Not me at all.
However, one thing I have learned over the last year is to listen to my feelings and they were definitely telling me "seek help boy". So I did.
An emergency appointment at the Quacks hastily arranged, I proceeded to try to explain to the Doctor the way I was feeling... and promptly broke down. He was enormously sympathetic, so much so that my 5 min appointment turned into 20 mins or so. I left with a diagnosis of Depression, a note signing me off... and a prescription for a tub full of Prozac.
I resisted the Prozac for a few days, mainly put off by the unbelievable list of potential side-effects. In particular, I was amused to read that they could cause "anxiety", "sleeplessness" and "restlessness". What precisely is the fucking point of them then ?
Now, there is an awful lot of bollocks written about anti-depressants (this might be some more), but all I can say is that whatever effect they have had has been largely beneficial albeit slight (but then, I am on a small dose). It is difficult to know whether the benefits are due to the drugs or whether they derive from the natural healing process time affords. What I do know for certain, is that alcohol is far more mood altering, and whilst I would not suggest that anyone taking anti-depressants avoid alcohol (Lord knows I haven't), I might suggest that you drink in moderation. Not because the alcohol might interfere with your medication, but simply that the beneficial 2 or 3 glasses/pints that take the edge off and give you a lift is not sustained. In other words, if you're depressed, if you drink too much, you'll just get more depressed. This will happen in real time as well as leaving you literally hungover the morning after.
Another thing that is for certain is that all anti-depressants can do is give you a chemical lift - they cannot alter your thoughts and they cannot resolve the underlying problems. I can accept that it might feel that way, but I would suggest that this is more likely to be a result of time passing than of any worked resolution. To that end therefore, having gone as far as admitting to feeling like shit in front of a professional, I've decided to go the whole hog and go into therapy in an attempt to understand what has happened to me, why and why I feel like I do and, I hope, to place those things in context, to be free (or accepting) of them and to be able to move forward.
I had my first session today, which was more of an splurge rather than any work towards resolution. It was knackering, but cathartic and already suggested things to me about my motivations, actions and feelings and those of the other players involved in my drama. I suspect that I will learn things about myself and others whom I hold dear that may be uncomfortable, but from where I'm sitting it's the only way.
Thanks for listening.
